Assertive Communication
Standing up for your needs while respecting others — what it looks like, how to practice it, and worked examples.
Assertive communication is a style in which a person stands up for their own needs and wants, while also taking into consideration the needs and wants of others, without behaving passively or aggressively.
Traits of assertive communicators
- Clearly states needs and wants
- Eye contact
- Listens to others without interruption
- Appropriate speaking volume
- Steady tone of voice
- Confident body language
Assertiveness tips
Respect yourself.
Your needs, wants, and rights are as important as anyone else’s. It’s fine to express what you want, so long as you are respectful toward the rights of others.
Express your thoughts and feelings calmly.
Giving the silent treatment, yelling, threatening, and shaming are all examples of what not to do. Take responsibility for your emotions and express them in a calm and factual manner. Try starting sentences with “I feel…”.
Plan what you’re going to say.
Know your wants and needs, and how you can express them, before entering a conversation. Come up with specific sentences and words you can use.
Say “no” when you need to.
You can’t make everyone happy all the time. When you need to say “no”, do so clearly, without lying about the reasons. Offer to help find another solution.
Examples
“I’ve been feeling frustrated about doing most of the chores around the house. I understand that you’re busy, but I need help. How can we make this work?”
“I won’t be able to take you to the airport on Friday. I’ve had a long week, and I want to rest.”
“I’m having a hard time sleeping when your music is on. What if you use headphones, or I can help you move the speakers to another room.”
Practice
Before responding, consider what your wants and needs might be in each situation.
Your partner: “I know you have plans for the weekend, but I really need you to watch the kids. I have a friend coming to town, and we made plans.”
Situation: You’ve just received your food at a restaurant, and it was prepared incorrectly. Your sandwich has extra mayo, instead of no mayo.
Your friend: “Hey, can I borrow some money? I want to buy these shoes, but I left my wallet at home. I’ll pay you back soon, I swear. It won’t be like last time.”
Situation: Your neighbor is adding an expansion to their house, and the crew starts working very loudly at 5 AM. It has woken you up every day for a week.