Counseling

Steps to Fair Fighting

An 11-step protocol for working a conflict through to a workable agreement, plus essential do’s and don’ts.

The steps

  1. The person who has the problem is responsible for bringing it up as soon as possible. Before you bring the problem up, think it through in your own mind.
  2. State the problem to your partner as clearly and concretely as possible. If you need to, use this format: “I am feeling ________ (e.g. angry) because of ______ (e.g. the way you talked to my mother last night).”
  3. Both of you need to understand the problem being brought up. The partner on the receiving end should reflect back what was said: “I hear you saying you feel _______ because of ______.” Then ask clarifying questions — for example, “What is it that I said that upsets you?”, “Describe the situation you are talking about,” “Tell me what specifically upset you.”
  4. When both partners agree on what is being said, the first partner may proceed.
  5. The partner who brings up the problem should take responsibility for offering a possible solution in terms of changes both can make. For example: “I can let you know when I see your attitude change. I would like to suggest you take a break from the conversation or situation and collect your thoughts.”
  6. The solution can be discussed and then your partner may offer a counterproposal. Again, the solution should involve changes both of you can make.
  7. Discuss several options until you agree that one proposal is most workable — not right or wrong, but workable.
  8. Once you have agreed on an idea, talk about how you will put it into action. This means being able to clearly answer: who will do what, when, and how.
  9. Once everything has been worked out, think about what could happen to undermine it. Each of you can think of how you might sabotage the agreement.
  10. Working through a conflict stirs up a lot of feelings because it means you had to give up something. Congratulate each other for the hard work and willingness to compromise. Reaffirm your relationship in as many ways as possible. You have good reason to celebrate.
  11. Agree to come back to this problem after a specific period of time to reassess how the agreement is working. You may need to change or fine-tune part of it.

Essential do’s and don’ts

  1. Be specific when you introduce a gripe.
  2. Don’t just complain, no matter how specifically — ask for a reasonable change that will relieve one gripe at a time.
  3. Confine yourself to one issue at a time. Otherwise, without professional guidance, you may skip back and forth, evading the hard ones.
  4. Always consider compromise. Your partner’s view of reality is just as real as yours, even though you may differ. There are not any totally objective realities.
  5. Do not allow counter-demands to enter the picture until the original demands are clearly understood, and there has been a clear-cut response to them.
  6. Never assume you know what your partner is thinking until you have checked the assumption in plain language. Never assume or predict how your partner will react, or what your partner will accept or reject.
  7. Never put labels on your partner. Do not make sweeping, labeling judgements about your partner’s feelings, especially about whether or not they are real or important.
  8. Sarcasm is dirty fighting.
  9. Forget the past and stay with the here and now. What either of you did last year, or month, or morning, is not as important as what you are doing and feeling now. The changes you ask cannot possibly be retroactive. Hurts, grievances, and irritations should be brought up at the very earliest moment — otherwise your partner may suspect they’ve been saved carefully as weapons.